Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Mending Fences

Did I ever trespass in other people's gardens !

It wasn't until after I spent what felt like a lifetime of working on my inner healing from childhood sexual abuse that I realized how much harm I had done to others.

At the onset of my discovery at the age of 38 I was horrified, disgusted, terrified and raging.

When I began to follow a 12-Step Program to help cope with the feelings of being overwhelmed and wanting to die I only thought about what evil was done to me and how I would try to make them pay for their crimes.

I spent months in bed, not sleeping, caught in the waves of memories day and night; only able to venture out for therapy. Each session seemed worse than the original abuse as I had to face the demons again. When I felt that I would harm myself my therapist suggested an inhouse facility; I agreed.

It was there that I began the program. At first I had no understanding of even the first step; it was all so foreign to me. Eventually I began to surrender my out-of-control feelings to God as I know Him; trust was a huge issue because I was ritually abused as well in a church environment.

As I moved through the program I stumbled upon the Fourth Step, making a moral inventory of myself. I began to realize that I had buried a lot of things in my past. I felt guilty and ashamed of my behavior and the harm it had caused others in my life.

Initially I resisted the thought of asking forgiveness of anyone; after all I was a victim from a very early age.
I had no sexual boundaries since they were destroyed before I could think.

But as I fearlessly began to look at my shortcomings I also began to acknowledge my part in perpetuating my uncontrolled behavior onto others. I helped destroy my first marriage as well as many close relationships.
I began to recount how many partners I had been with sexually over the years; it was humbling.

As I learned to hold myself responsible for my actions as an adult I began to heal in a beautiful way.

Now I have grown accustomed to examining myself, my motives and my actions. I still ask forgiveness, and know that I am forgiven.

I am adept at mending fences !

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Spontaneity Requires Preparation

My spouse and I are talking about opening a restaurant. He is a Belgian pastry chef and an amazing creator of many delectable European dishes. I love creating ambience, entertaining at the piano and singing, and hosting events for family and friends. We are a winning combination :)

It is our passion !

Last night I had a DREAM that we opened  Des Amis.

Jacques was preparing a Flemish dish of mussels when I realized we had no plates or flatware; so off I started for home in my SUV to retrieve the items.

Along the way a few family members and friends wanted to join me to share in the adventure.

By the time I was ready to leave, my car transformed into a motorized rickshaw, and finally a motorless rickshaw as I laboriously peddled everyone uphill in the sand !

I awakened, giggling and telling my husband how happy I was to have a dream that wasn't a NIGHTMARE, and was enjoying the POSITIVE struggle of the experience.

Looking at it now I see that this is a metaphor in my life.

I LOVE spontaneity !  Yet I know that it comes with a price.

Each exciting and wonderful dream I desire requires a labor of love as I just experienced in the preparation and process of slipcovering my sofa.

I first noticed the need for a new slipcover when I saw my original baby pink fading and stained. I researched for fabric as I visualized the end result, then purchased the various items needed to assemble it. With trepidation I carefully began the process of laying out, cutting, and sewing the pieces together, having no pattern and never having done any sewing project on this scale. I had precious little time in the evening to work on this project as I am a full-time nanny for two of my grandkids. Yet I was motivated by my visual image of the cheerful outcome.

The project was far more challenging than I had imagined since I chose fine yellow ticking, a one-way toile with children swinging in the trees etched in soft red on a lovely warm yellow background, an Indian-styled red and white ruffled border, and Victorian red piping finishing off all the edges.

I completed my dream this past week after several months and am thrilled to tell you that it is even more charming here in our cozy cottage than I had ever envisioned !

What I learned is that preparation is the key to creating reality out of my spontaneity :)

I am dreaming, creating, manifesting, and moving in the direction of my heart's desires !