Wednesday, October 31, 2012

My MOTHER, my LIFE, my ENEMY ! Part XV

RELENTLESS open wounds of rejection and abandonment still bear their mark on my soul causing me doubts, grief and lamentations.
I have been repeatedly inundated with dreams of rejection from my former spouse.  

HE is the representation of my MOTHER.
I have been avoiding facing this important TRUTH in my life.
The need to pull away from the past . . . . moving forward into the unknown . . .
I married my childhood sweetheart, the man of my dreams, my knight, my everything, my SAVIOR.
When I opened the box and all of the TRUTH began pouring out like a fountain that I could not stop even if I tried, it broke through my illusion of being in the perfect relationship.
I know this will sound strange to all of you who have read my history; but it is true. I was completely and utterly blinded by my own theatre, my own drama that I had created to stay SANE !
HE was perfect; I was inferior, deeply flawed. HE gave me audience when I begged. HE gave me gifts, trips, jewels, parties, everything, everything EXCEPT unconditional LOVE.
HE is SHE.
MOTHER, life - giver, SAVIOR, PROTECTOR . . . . JUDGE
SHE gave me life.
SHE bathed me.
SHE prayed over me every night. SHE told me she loved me.
SHE dressed me beautifully every Sunday for Sunday school.
SHE attended all of my performances; at schools, churches, communities . . .
SHE sat in the back and listened to every note I sang, every word I spoke.
SHE sat in the back and listened to every note I played, every single note . . .
ME . . . struggling to live UP to her standard. A STANDARD I could not understand.
WHY didn’t she really LOVE me ???
WHAT had I done by age three to have earned her judgment and disdain for me ? Why did she push me away ? What wouldn’t she cuddle me, support me, look at me ?
I could never do enough to get her attention.
BEST in everything . . . yet none of it was good enough to wipe away my soiled soul !
SHE would not accept me; I was NEVER good enough for HER !
Now I understand.
I was HIS favorite, HIS love, HIS pet.
JEALOUSY . . . . . so ugly, so defiling, so twisted !
My mother was jealous of the attention my father gave me.
He was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 
One day, gifts, parties . . . the next . . . . the unspeakable acts of sexual assault on my body and my soul.
Oh, this twisted, complex and devious scar that wants to keep its roots in me . . . I am tearing it out . . . ripping it out . . . daily begging for healing. The assuaging of my soul into the heavenly realm of wholeness.
I cannot think one continuous thought about this tangled web existing in my innermost being.
WHY is it still dwelling here ???
MOM, demented at age 92 is still here for one very good reason.
I am being taught piece by piece, line upon line, moment by moment to FORGIVE her.
She obviously was not aware of her subconscious thoughts of judgment and jealousy toward me.
To this day, MOM is still simple-minded.
What are her wounds ??? Was she also assaulted as a child ? She will never know; she will never say.
MOM, sweet and simple to all the world . . . except me.
I forgive you mom for not being present to protect me.
I forgive you mom for not keeping me safe.
I forgive you for turning your back on me.
I forgive you for staying with dad and allowing all of us to be repeatedly harmed.
I forgive you for putting on your SUNDAY face and pretending all is well when it isn’t.
I forgive you for not being able to say that I am sweet, and lovely, and intelligent, and gifted, and that you love me just the way I am.
Please, LOVE, fill this deep void of mother-love, with your unconditional, ever-present, all-knowing, all-protecting LOVE.
Fill my deep desire to be LOVED with Your DIVINE LOVE.
FOREVER and ever.
Your faithful daughter