“Tomorrow is not going to work as other plans have come up.”
The text from my cousin Sue left me numb; then anger swiftly
followed.
For the past year we had been planning to get together this week. Sue
wanted the entire family to join us for a reunion. I gently suggested that she
either send a flyer, an email or make phone calls to insure that everyone could
be with us. I asked if I could help. Sue said that she would take care of
everything; we just needed to show up Sunday afternoon.
A few days before the reunion date, she posted on FB that they were coming
this week, gave the location and asked that everyone attending bring a side
dish.
Only one of my children and her family were able to make it because of
short notice and an absence of an invitation by Sue. My brother decided at the last minute not to come; my sister
arrived two hours late.
As Sue and I were visiting she asked me if I had taken the week off. I
said, “No.” I was caught off-guard by her question because we had never
discussed this possibility as I am a full-time nanny for two of my grandchildren. We made arrangements for a beach
day the following morning, establishing a specific time. It was a long morning
for me preparing for the day with two little ones underfoot. When we were
within 10 minutes of the bay I received a text saying, “Taking a bike ride; will
be back soon.”
Irritated, annoyed.
I arrived with two babies, an umbrella, two beach bags filled with food,
clothes, toys, diapers, sunscreen, beach towels and blanket in hand with NO
help. We managed to make it to the bayfront. I set up everything and put on
their floaties. We played in the fresh, cool water and sand when my cousins
finally arrived and hour later. My older cousin Joe and his wife barely said,
“Hi.” They spoke of their plans with Sue for an evening ball game, then left.
Sue got on her swimsuit and came to the waterfront. We focused on my darling
grandkids. The water was perfect so I let go of my irritation with her.
After about 10 minutes, Sue went up to the house for awhile. When she came
back she said that the rest of the family was going over to the ocean. She
stayed another 10 minutes, and left again to do something. When Sue came back
she mentioned that they were going to barbeque hotdogs for lunch. I said, “Ok.”
I had already packed healthy snacks for the babies. When we finally sat down
inside their rental after cleaning up, Sue said that she would make sandwiches
since everyone else had left for the beach.
She and I made plans to meet the following evening after work with my son,
wife and grandkids so that everyone could visit together. After this
conversation the kids and I left.
I felt slightly anxious on the way home and disregarded it.
I awakened early this morning to Sue’s brief text regarding a change in
their plans which didn’t include me or my family. I felt angry and didn’t know
why. After I expressed my anger with my husband I began to cry. I said that I
felt worthless around my family. Then I recounted that when we were at the
reunion not one asked how I was doing. Instead they asked about my brother who
wasn’t there. I said. “I don’t know; he doesn’t respond to my calls. They all
referred to me as EILEEN though I have told everyone for years that my name is
CELESTE.
A heavy weight of heartache and anxiety pressed upon my chest all morning.
I kept wanting to resolve the conflict and restore everything to harmony. But a
voice inside of me reminded me that her behavior was selfish and disrespectful.
I asked myself, “Why do I feel anxious when I am in conflict with a family
member or friend ? Why do I feel compelled to restore peace and harmony ? Why do
I overlook offenses and inappropriate behavior ? Why do I always need to make
everyone feel okay and not share how I feel when I am offended ?”
Survival !
This reaction kept me alive.
After my dad raped and sodomized me he would force me to clean up all of
HIS mess and say that I had to put EVERYTHING back in place or he would KILL me.
Dad was a powerful figure in the ritual abuse cult; I believed his word. He was
respected by all cult members, including those from our church. Even though
painful, torturous and frightening things occurred to me and other innocent
victims I felt SAFE as long as I was near him. No matter what they forced me to
do, my dad was nearby protecting me from death. I had witnessed too many murders
not to believe that my life was in danger.
I was a slave to the whims of evil souls !
No wonder I had such severe anxiety and anger when Sue sent me a text changing plans with my family. I felt disrespected and rejected. My word is important to me and I tend to have high expectations of others that they are the same way. I took her behavior as meaning that I am not valued, not important to her as my cousin.
I am afraid of being rejected because my wounded parts think we may die !
As an adult I know this is a lie. I need to be patient with my wounded parts and continue to journal my memories and feelings surrounding them.
Contrary to the horrors I experienced at the hands of my father and cult members, I am of great value and worthy of respect. This begins with me. Learning to respect myself is difficult yet possible. I am learning to set boundaries with others and if necessary separate myself from those who continue to violate them in my presence.
I am encouraged that I am finding the hidden wounds and able to courageously face them that they may be examined in the LIGHT and healed.
In the sight of God I am a perfect and priceless pearl.
