“I am so sorry for not trusting you,” I cried to my spouse this morning.
“I know,” he replied.
“But it keeps me from being close to you,” I spoke through my tears.
“It’s okay, honey.”
My family annihilated my ability to trust anyone.
Another devastating effect of incest.
I was on my way to my kid’s home early this morning and started asking God why I don’t have desire for my spouse when he tries to be intimate with me. He is so good to me and loves my family; he is precious in every way imaginable.
I heard the answer clearly.
My father literally stripped trust from my heart, and my mother betrayed me by allowing him to repeatedly do so.
My spouse has done NOTHING to deserve this distance that I create between us.
When I think about him while we’re apart during the day, I have an abundance of loving, desirous feelings toward him. I want to be close to him; he’s quite adorable.
I am discouraged right now because I continue to discover new damaged parts within myself. I often wonder if I will really ever recover from all the effects of this incestuous violation lodged in the depths of my soul.
God only knows . . . perhaps LOVE will find a way to restore me to wholeness.
Emotional and physical intimacy with my husband have been the hardest areas to heal. I am not there yet but I am better.
ReplyDeleteI trusted no one until I learned to trust myself. The inner children slowly started trusting me to keep them safe. Trust issues can be so frustrating. You want to trust and it takes time. As you heal yourself, the trust will come.
Forgive yourself for not trusting. Accept that you aren't there yet. Look at how your husband loves you, how he protects you from hurt.
Trust comes just a little at a time as those around us prove that they aren't going to hurt us or abuse us. Keep talking with your husband so that he understands that you are working on it. Express your frustration as you did this morning. Trust will come.
Your kind and wise words are a great comfort to me, Patricia. I am sad right now and want to embrace him. I will start by forgiving myself for not being able to trust yet. I have had moments when I've trusted him, but not lately. I feel like I have taken a GIANT step backward. I will pick myself up and begin again.
ReplyDeleteWhen we are together tonight I will talk with him about this. I know he will support me.
Thank you.