“I am so sorry for not trusting you,” I cried to my spouse this morning.
“I know,” he replied.
“But it keeps me from being close to you,” I spoke through my tears.
“It’s okay, honey.”
My family annihilated my ability to trust anyone.
Another devastating effect of incest.
I was on my way to my kid’s home early this morning and started asking God why I don’t have desire for my spouse when he tries to be intimate with me. He is so good to me and loves my family; he is precious in every way imaginable.
I heard the answer clearly.
My father literally stripped trust from my heart, and my mother betrayed me by allowing him to repeatedly do so.
My spouse has done NOTHING to deserve this distance that I create between us.
When I think about him while we’re apart during the day, I have an abundance of loving, desirous feelings toward him. I want to be close to him; he’s quite adorable.
I am discouraged right now because I continue to discover new damaged parts within myself. I often wonder if I will really ever recover from all the effects of this incestuous violation lodged in the depths of my soul.
God only knows . . . perhaps LOVE will find a way to restore me to wholeness.