Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Facing My Perpetrator Part XI

“I’ll never admit to that,” my father said while jingling his keys and looking at the floor.
When I returned home from the inpatient facility I was much stronger and knew that I had more healing ahead of me. I told Martha, my counselor that I wanted to confront my father about the incest. She was supportive and helped me set up an appointment for all of us to meet in her office.
Before we left Jonathan prayed with me. I was trembling yet determined to face my abuser and let him know that I remembered what he had done to me during my childhood. During our prayer Jonathan had a vision of me rocking a little baby in my arms. This picture gave me the support I needed to stand up to my father.
When we arrived I saw my mother perfectly coiffed in a black and white suit with black pumps walking with my father up the stairs to Martha’s office. As I walked with Jonathan I carried a tiny blond, green-eyed baby doll I named Susie-Q, a reflection of myself as an innocent child. When we sat down together in her office Martha said, “Eileen has something to share with you.”
“Daddy, you molested me,” I said, shaking inside.
He looked away and down at the floor stating that he would “never admit to that.” Those words hurt the little child so deeply my heart sank deeper than the floor. No rage, only deep deep sadness. I knew then that I would carry this stand-off for the rest of my life.
“I was always there,” my mother retorted, self-righteously.
“You worked every day, mom,” I cried.
That was all they said. That’s it, nothing else. I looked at Martha and her eyes showed such love and compassion toward me that I kept myself from sobbing in front of them.
I don’t remember much except feeling dejection and abandonment as they both walked out of Martha’s office.
Once at home I climbed back into bed. I don’t know how long I stayed there; but the bottom had dropped out. It felt like the end of the world for me. I didn’t know if I could carry this pain any longer.
“I doubted you before, but I believe you now,” Jonathan said after seeing my dad’s reaction to my statement.
At least Martha and Jonathan believed me. I felt a glimmer of hope. I was so exhausted from the uphill battle; the waves of fear, anxiety, insomnia, anger and grief had only just begun for me.
Then the next wave arrived.
I began receiving threatening calls from my siblings calling me names like witch, crazy and liar; then threats on my life ! I couldn’t believe my ears. I didn’t think it would come to this !
Time time time timelessness . . . . no more sense of time . . . just tears, agony, nightmares, grief,fear, anger, insomnia, anxiety, hopelessness . . . on and on and on . . .it felt like an eternity before I could breathe again.
Just when I thought I was climbing out of the depths of despair, another wave hit me even harder . . . 


  1. Do you realize that your dad never said he didn't do it. An innocent person would have said "I didn't do that to you." instead of "I will never admit that I did that." His wording admits that he did what you said. I can feel your pain in your words. I am sad that you had to experience this abuse as a child and as an adult.

    1. Your words comfort me, dear sister. Thank you for confirming what I feel his words really meant. He once told my younger brother that he was molested by his father. My younger brother later denied that he had ever said this to me. My former spouse and my therapist all believe this. Thank you for your support of my feelings.

      Together we suffer and together we rejoice :)

  2. i am so sorry that this happened to you and you had to go through this. i feel even more sad about the fact that it was your FATHER who did this to you!!!! the people are supposed to be our protectors... what do we do when they turn against us???
    i too am healing from abuse and incest.. yes but it wasn't my father who did it, it was my father's little brother....
    i salute you that you confronted him because i have never been able to even walk properly in front of my rapist... :'( i am so sorry again..

    1. Dear one, thank you for your kind words of support and comfort. I was compelled to confront my father because I wanted the sexual abuse to stop; I knew he was harming other innocent ones including my own daughter, which caused her to nearly kill herself for years with an eating disorder.
      We all do what we are able to do to empower ourselves. God was with me and still is. I am comforted to know that at least my confrontation caused other family members to consider whether or not they should leave their children with him. Eventually several have spoken to me about being abused by him as well. Some are experiencing recovery. Now my daughter Jenny (aka Faith) is a beautiful wife and mother of two very beautiful and innocent daughters. I am so thankful that I stood up to him.
      Bless you on your healing journey. I am here to support you as well. HUGS, Celeste (formerly Eileen)

  3. Replies
    1. Thank you for your encouragement. I am guided by LOVE and the desire to assist other victims become survivors and begin the healing journey.

      I have moments of despair, but God gives me hope again !

      Bless you :)

  4. You are so brave. It took so much courage to confront him, and even more to continue speaking out and owning your life. I'm so proud of you. People who abuse, molest, hurt children are ill. They have no remorse and no sense of empathy. He is broken. Not you. You are incredible.

    1. Sweet sister, thank you for your words of loving support. Yes, I was terrified but in my heart I knew I was speaking up for the little ones in me who suffered so much and they needed me to be STRONG so they could trust me. I also saw the others in my family who were victims. Together this gave me the strength along with God's loving support.
      Your writings are so precious to me; you are healing so beautifully :) LOVE to you !