Thursday, March 15, 2012

Raped ! Part VIII

“Please don’t do this, I could get pregnant !” I begged and begged . . . .
How could I have ever known that my friend and neighbor would do this to me ??? We two couples had gone out for dinner the night before. When I woke up in the morning I was sick with the flu and stayed home from work.
I heard someone knocking on my front door. I opened it to find Andrew pushing through it. His eyes were glazed over; he looked like he was on drugs. He started mumbling about how much he wanted me and began pushing me into my bedroom. I was horrified ! I tried to resist him but was afraid to hit or kick him; I was conflicted because he was a doctor and our friend whom I respected until this moment. His wife, Lana and I spent lots of time together because our children were friends. I was begging and crying and pleading that he leave, stating that this would hurt everyone.
He yanked off my nightgown, pushed me down on the bed, and was forcing himself into me when I cried that I could get pregnant ! Instead, he forced me to have oral sex with him. It was disgusting, vile, humiliating and nauseating. I gagged and gagged; it didn’t stop him.
Finally when he was done he kept saying how much he loved me. I was repulsed and just wanted him to leave. When he finally left, I showered and showered for a long time and couldn’t get clean. I was in a state of shock !
The next day I received a bouquet of long-stem red roses from Lana with a THANK YOU note in it ! I realized that Andrew and she had discussed this and was a part of this insidious violation against me. I didn’t want to tell anyone because of our family ties and I felt overwhelming shame from the assault. I kept reliving it, thinking why hadn't I hit or kicked him ? Why didn't I scream ? Why was I so passive ? I was also afraid of Jonathan’s reaction so I kept it to myself.
Apparently the following morning I called Madeline, a close friend and said, “My father raped me !” I still don’t remember this conversation. Madeline told me that I was yelling at her as if she were my mother and involved in the assault.
I couldn’t sleep and started having nightmares. I looked up the phone number of a counselor at the church in which I grew up because I had gone back to it after Jonathan and I left our home church. I told Jerry, the counselor what had happened to me and that I was afraid to tell Jonathan. Jerry asked if he could tell Jonathan in my presence in the counseling office; I hesitatingly agreed.
While in Jerry’s office Jonathan was told that Andrew had raped me. The look Jonathan gave me made me feel guilty and more ashamed of myself; he was actually blaming me for being raped ! I couldn’t believe that he could be so insensitive and mean. I was betrayed by Jonathan, too. Something inside of me said that I wanted this to happen, that I had asked for it. I was NEVER interested in or attracted to Andrew and I would NEVER sleep with a married man. I loved Jonathan and wanted to be his alone.
I felt guilty and worthless because the one person I trusted, my own spouse, didn’t believe me. I had been faithful to Jonathan since our marriage of over ten years.
At age 30 I felt abandoned and alone.
Thus began a season of self-sabotage . . .


  1. I am so sorry that this happened to you. When we are abused as children, we are groomed to be quiet, to not rock the boat and to feel that we are to blame for our own abuse. We are not to blame but that shame that we feel keeps us quiet when we are betrayed and abused again and again by people that should have protected us and should have believed us when we did tell.

    1. I cried tears of comfort from your message.

      Thank you, dear Patricia for lovingly supporting me and making sense of my passive reaction to the rape. For years I have blamed myself, thinking I should have been able to stop him. Now I really understand WHY I couldn't. I even protected him because I thought if I were to make it public he would be ruined as a doctor. As it turned out he and his family moved back east and I never heard from them again.

      I see now how my former spouse treated me; he was judgmental and self-righteous, which is a very common trait in his family.

      I am thankful to have Jacques in my life who said that he would go to jail for murder if anyone ever did that to me !
      Of course, I know this won't happen because I know how to protect myself now.

      I hope that my story help others to see the patterns of victimization so that they will also heal from the wounds.

      Bless you !