Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Self-Destructive Path Part IX

“I’m in love and want a divorce !”
I had met a younger man at work; he flirted with me and suggested we meet. I acted impulsively and met him at his apartment. I became intoxicated with Matt and our affair. After three months, I blurted out to Jonathan that I was in love with another man. I wanted to arouse his attention. His reaction shocked me !
Sarcastically, Jonathan retorted, “You don’t know what love is.  I’ll be sure you won’t get your kids. Everybody knows you’re crazy !”
I was angry and hurt and became even more reckless, involving myself in several affairs over a period of 6 years. Each time I swore to myself that I wouldn’t do it again. I felt ashamed of myself, but couldn’t seem to stop. I wanted to be desired, the one thing my husband wouldn’t demonstrate. I continued my self-destructive behavior clandestinely while behaving like a perfect wife and a mother. My lifestyle also affected my job since two of the men worked in the company. My self-esteem and body image sank to a new low. I became dangerously thin and continued to have chronic nightmares, anxiety and insomnia.
During this time, Jonathan completely ignored me and focused on his successful architectural career. He often had business meetings out-of-town with clients, many of whom were women that he said were his friends. Later I found out differently. I still loved Jonathan and felt like a failure as a wife. I exercised daily and kept myself lean, hoping he would show desire for me. Nothing worked.
We continued to participate in activities with our kids and other families. Our children were becoming successful in all of their music lessons, dance, sports and education. When they were in high school we moved to a larger home with a beautiful pool in our backyard. I made a decision to stop involving myself with other men. Our family life improved. We were kinder to each other and had dates together.
Then everything suddenly changed.
While on a family vacation with another family we heard frightening news about our daughter from her closest friend.
Faith was bulimic.
I had never before even heard this term so I researched to find out about this dangerous eating disorder. I couldn’t imagine why Faith would want to harm herself when she was so beautiful and talented in every way. She was my perfect child, an excellent student, pianist, artist, and dancer. It just didn’t make any sense to me. 
My perception of having the perfect family dissolved overnight.
When we forced Faith into an inpatient program for eating disorders she stopped talking to either of us. After a week in family therapy, I began experiencing a higher level of anxiety and insomnia. We learned that 86 percent of people with eating disorders had been molested at some point in their lives. I started worrying, but couldn’t figure out what was bothering me.
Within that week a close friend handed me a book on INCEST, stating that I might find it interesting.  I immediately read the book and started shaking with panic. Because I couldn’t sleep, I sought counseling and found Dr. Osama, a psychologist.
Meeting him that first day forever changed my life . . . 

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