She Wasn't Loved

I asked my spouse to do something important for me, then found out that he postponed it without letting me know.

He said that he just hadn't had the time to tell me.

I fell apart emotionally and stated that I didn't feel respected, that my needs were a low priority to him.

The conflict escalated as we blamed each other for other situations; I began spinning out of control in despair and confusion.

I eventually apologized for overreacting and he apologized for hurting my feelings.

Today on the road to work I talked outloud to myself the entire scenario.

I discovered the ROOT of my despair was that I didn't feel loved and supported.

Supportive is a word to describe my spouse; he demonstrates his love for me and my family regularly.

The REAL issue is that as a child I wasn't protected or nurtured by my mother.

Mom was busy working to support us because my father didn't, and was very involved in the church.

I received her attention mostly as a performer either playing the piano or singing.

She knowingly turned her back when my father was abusing me.

When I confronted my father and mother in my therapist's office they both denied their parts in my abuse.

I am learning forgiveness yet I still feel discomfort, resentment and guilt when I think of my mom even though I attend to her needs as she is aging and displaying signs of dementia.

I still have this huge hole in me that needs to be filled with LOVE.

Self-love is foreign to me; it is much easier to see the needs of others rather than look inside myself to find out what I need.

I am taking small and awkward steps to love myself by focusing on things that I enjoy just for the sheer pleasure they bring to me.

I am giving myself permission to be creative.

I am completing my first custom-made slipcover and feeling proud of my creative accomplishment, acknowledging its esthetic beauty and experiencing the gratification of the endeavor.

I am choosing to embrace my creative abilities as a priority over focusing on CHORES which will always be there !

In small ways I am learning to love myself and it feels good  :)

Boundaries ?

I remember the first time I was confronted with the concept of boundaries.

I didn't understand what this word meant in my turbulent life because my personal boundaries were frequently invaded throughout my childhood and teen years.

I was called, "The Seductress" by a therapist and wanted to attack him in protest !

I didn't know that I was seducing or being seduced by people. This was my unconscious, conditioned modus operandi.

Years later I recognize the tremendous healing in this aspect of my life. I no longer have the desire to seduce or be seduced by anyone.

Now I am working on my need to seek approval.

To please or not to please . . .

Boundary setting is still difficult for me when it comes to desiring to please others. In each situation I look fearlessly at my motives and ask for guidance to make the best decision for myself.

My journey continues to take me to new places within myself where the light needs to shine, to reveal the darkness and to set myself free with God at the helm.

This is my intended course; I embrace it with abandon !

Lost Playtime

Yesterday my spouse teasingly grabbed me in a bear hug and then proceeded to rub his beard on my neck, tickling me.

Unfortunately for him, he didn't get the desired effect he wanted.

I started screaming, feeling tortured !

Between gasps for breath, I yelled, "Let me go or I'll hurt you !

When he relinquished his hold I socked him on the arm, shouting, "Don't ever do that to me again !"

Feeling like a puppet, I haltingly threw my purse over my shoulder, bolted out the front door, and recklessly drove down the winding hillside.

I thought this one was behind me, but obviously not !

Remembering how my father and brother would hold me down against my will and tickle me mercilessly while I writhed and screamed at them to let me go, brought back the feeling of helplessness and rage in a little girl I used to know.

Poor little thing !

Today exhausted, disjointed and discouraged I am trying hard to pick up the pieces with my spouse who can't figure out what happened.

LOVE, be my good parent and console my broken heart.

I HATE SECRETS !!!

"Don't tell anyone, they'll think you're crazy."

"If you tell anyone, they'll take you away."

"If you tell, they won't believe you."

"If you say anything, I'll KILL you !"

Oh my heart, when I remember these statements coming from my father's mouth . . .

I HATE SECRETS !!!

Now I can't seem to be quiet !

I want to talk about EVERYTHING with EVERYONE . . . .

I discovered painfully that my family and friends don't want the truth. Many have left.

I am an open book.

Sometimes it offends others, but I MUST speak the truth about everything in my life.

So, please don't tell me anything you want to keep a secret . . .

Thanks for Everything

"Think positive and all your dreams will come true."

It has always sounded shallow to me, like kissing a rabbit's foot for good luck. 

Being positive for me means being grateful. 

Thanks for everything ! Bible verses memorized as a child remind me to thank God in all situations, the good and the bad.

Washing dishes I felt impatient to continue my slipcover sewing project. I thought about how to be thankful while doing this necessary chore . . .

TONS of thoughts came to my mind !

soap

warmth

fresh scent 

dishes, beautiful dishes

health

disinfectant

shelter

food

freedom

time

energy

clarity

just to name a few . . . .

I thought about what being thankful does for my ATTITUDE . . . 

I am positive and encouraged knowing that I am surrendered to the Divine Plan for my life and that everything that happens works for my good.

I understand that some things working in me are spiritual changes, invisible changes . . .

So, thanks for everything, God !!!

No Random Acts of Kindness

Yesterday I was confused and discouraged; I couldn't make up my mind which direction I wanted to go after an early day at work. I had a few options but I really wanted to rest and be refreshed so I thought I would head for one of my favorite beaches.

Along the way I took an alternate route and ended up at a candle shop I had never visited; I even hesitated going inside because I didn't want to spend money. I walked out with 4 tapers.

Next I decided to drive along the coast to view the beach during my journey farther south; when I was approaching the first town, I told myself that I would buy a chai at the local Starbucks if I could find a parking space on the corner. It was right there for me.

I went inside, visited with the sales lady and the barrista and then left heading on foot toward the cliffs to view the sea. While sitting there for a few minutes reading my new ebook, a woman stopped to see it; we visited and then she left. I was getting very warm in the sun so I decided to head for my destination. On the way I stopped to visit with a woman with a Maltese like mine who was talking with the inquisitive woman I had just met. The Maltese mom and I talked for awhile about our personal journeys, and then I headed toward my car.

The radio wasn't working as I started to leave. I noticed several text messages from family and friends saying that we were having a power outage. I made an immediate u-turn at the next corner and proceeded toward my daughter's home to be of any assistance.

Approaching a section of the street in which I would not be able to turn around for another hour, my daughter texted, "Can you get the girls?"

I didn't know that she didn't have them ! I quickly pulled into the right lane and made an immediate right turn at the light. Sitting in my car I waited for another message from my daughter as to where to find them.

Within 5 minutes I made another u-turn to pick up the girls at their nanny's home; my daughter didn't have her address available and couldn't reach her. Imagine how surprised the nanny was when I showed up at her building, never having been there before, and followed my granddaughter's voice to her door !

A 20-minute drive took an hour and a half with the girls patiently talking in the back seat. My five year old granddaughter asked about all the blinking red lights; I explained how we all worked together to help each other safely cross the intersections.

She said, "Alternate."

We found worried parents standing in the driveway with expressions of relief and gratefulness>

Their home was alight with burning candles; I added my tapers.

The evening was spent in quiet and thoughtful conversation.

My journey taught me that nothing I do is random !

God is guiding me, ministering to me and through me even in the midst of confusion and despair.

I am so grateful today.