He said that he just hadn't had the time to tell me.
I fell apart emotionally and stated that I didn't feel respected, that my needs were a low priority to him.
The conflict escalated as we blamed each other for other situations; I began spinning out of control in despair and confusion.
I eventually apologized for overreacting and he apologized for hurting my feelings.
Today on the road to work I talked outloud to myself the entire scenario.
I discovered the ROOT of my despair was that I didn't feel loved and supported.
Supportive is a word to describe my spouse; he demonstrates his love for me and my family regularly.
The REAL issue is that as a child I wasn't protected or nurtured by my mother.
Mom was busy working to support us because my father didn't, and was very involved in the church.
I received her attention mostly as a performer either playing the piano or singing.
She knowingly turned her back when my father was abusing me.
When I confronted my father and mother in my therapist's office they both denied their parts in my abuse.
I am learning forgiveness yet I still feel discomfort, resentment and guilt when I think of my mom even though I attend to her needs as she is aging and displaying signs of dementia.
I still have this huge hole in me that needs to be filled with LOVE.
Self-love is foreign to me; it is much easier to see the needs of others rather than look inside myself to find out what I need.
I am taking small and awkward steps to love myself by focusing on things that I enjoy just for the sheer pleasure they bring to me.
I am giving myself permission to be creative.
I am completing my first custom-made slipcover and feeling proud of my creative accomplishment, acknowledging its esthetic beauty and experiencing the gratification of the endeavor.
I am choosing to embrace my creative abilities as a priority over focusing on CHORES which will always be there !
In small ways I am learning to love myself and it feels good :)