She Wasn't Loved

I asked my spouse to do something important for me, then found out that he postponed it without letting me know.

He said that he just hadn't had the time to tell me.

I fell apart emotionally and stated that I didn't feel respected, that my needs were a low priority to him.

The conflict escalated as we blamed each other for other situations; I began spinning out of control in despair and confusion.

I eventually apologized for overreacting and he apologized for hurting my feelings.

Today on the road to work I talked outloud to myself the entire scenario.

I discovered the ROOT of my despair was that I didn't feel loved and supported.

Supportive is a word to describe my spouse; he demonstrates his love for me and my family regularly.

The REAL issue is that as a child I wasn't protected or nurtured by my mother.

Mom was busy working to support us because my father didn't, and was very involved in the church.

I received her attention mostly as a performer either playing the piano or singing.

She knowingly turned her back when my father was abusing me.

When I confronted my father and mother in my therapist's office they both denied their parts in my abuse.

I am learning forgiveness yet I still feel discomfort, resentment and guilt when I think of my mom even though I attend to her needs as she is aging and displaying signs of dementia.

I still have this huge hole in me that needs to be filled with LOVE.

Self-love is foreign to me; it is much easier to see the needs of others rather than look inside myself to find out what I need.

I am taking small and awkward steps to love myself by focusing on things that I enjoy just for the sheer pleasure they bring to me.

I am giving myself permission to be creative.

I am completing my first custom-made slipcover and feeling proud of my creative accomplishment, acknowledging its esthetic beauty and experiencing the gratification of the endeavor.

I am choosing to embrace my creative abilities as a priority over focusing on CHORES which will always be there !

In small ways I am learning to love myself and it feels good  :)