Confession

Confession is good for the heart as well as the soul.

I began my morning having conflict with my partner; I felt discouragement and emotional confusion.

A dear sister asked me if I wanted to clear it up; I said, "Yes."

The three of us talked through the conflict, with my sweet sister as the mediator.

After sharing what was hurting us, we were able to come to a resolution with her patient and objective assistance.

Life is much easier when a friend who expresses unconditional love can put up with your self-inflicted pain, and be an objective advisor to help turn conflict into a learning experience.

Though I am still wounded, I see more clearly the core of insecurity that I've been carrying around since I was a child.

Confessing my part in the conflict enlightened me to see how I helped create it, and also helped me to release it in order to experience forgiveness in both directions.

I know that unforgiveness separates me from realizing the LOVE and PEACE of God in my life.

All I needed was a loving, seeing eye to restore me to a place of harmony.

This is the role of the BODY of Christ.

My hope is that as we become better listeners and seers, we can assist others on the journey toward healing.

Thanks, my sweet sister-in-love !

Anxious Rumination

It's no FUN awakening during the night with a racing mind that can't be turned off !

Anxiety-ridden rumination is another travesty I have experienced from sexual abuse; I wish I could just unplug myself and go back to sleep !

I've always been hypervigilant since I can remember a conscious thought; I would love to be relaxed and casual about my environment but I am programmed to be ready for assault from any angle.

I ask God on a daily basis to reveal all the hidden darkness and woundedness in me, to heal me, cleanse me, cure me and make me more like Jesus. He has a plan that I don't always comprehend . . . again I must surrender to His love and trust His path for me.

It is a humbling and glorious experience all bundled up in this complex and churning mind !

Pleasure

Sexual arousal is torturous pleasure intermingled with guilt, regret, remorse, anger, rage, disgust . . . etc.

If I could experience the moment I would gladly embrace it; but my eternally wounded children invade my mind and thwart my ability to be free . . . one of the greatest casualties of sexual assault.

I am saddened that after years of discovery and recovery I am still instantly yanked back during arousal by the chains of victimization and must fight to enjoy the union of my heart.

I am flawed and loved.

Reflections

Looking back is often painful as I see how I blindly stumbled through my life unintentionally hurting myself and others.

I am thankful that I am loved and forgiven for such acts.

Each new day I see how I am blessed by those surrounding me; I see God in each act of kindness.

In response I look into the eyes of others to encourage them to receive unconditional love into their hearts and minds.

This is my mission.

Sleeplessness

As I struggle to get through the night with a decent amount of sleep, I am constantly reminded of the imprint that my perpetrators have left on my cell memory.

After years of therapy I realize that I am still scarred from my past victimizations and that I am in God's hands to do what He knows is best for me.

When I focus on the needs of others I am able to find rest again.

In my weakness, Christ is made strong in me; I am able to rejoice in my trials knowing that He is glorified in my innermost being.

God's grace is sufficient for me !

recall of a lifetime

Its been over 23 years since I first awakened from a nightmare and found myself in a new state of reality; my old skin no longer fit. My world was shattered as I relived the horrifying feelings of my intimate parts being invaded by my father.


Today I am thankful that I am MORE THAN A SURVIVOR !


Thanks to faithful friends and therapists I am being transformed daily by the loving hand of God and know that my REDEEMER lives !


As I experience my daily frailties I am reminded that I am weak but HE is strong in me.


The VICTORY is in Jesus and I am blessed beyond all imaginations with new life, new insight, revelations, visions, prophetic dreams, peace and abundant JOY through my trials.


My greatest challenge is to recognize the OLD me and relinquish it into the hands of my LOVING and faithful Lord.


I am surrendered and humbled by my daily journey.